Whips, Chains And Pocket Protectors
by Mistress Voodoo Barbie
Summary: What do you do when it's time to take the 'square' out of the box? How do you even start? Emmett has a plan....... Be afraid. ExB Human AU. Rated M for language and future content.
1. Prologue

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_**A/N: **_

_**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.... I just like to play in her toy box when she's out.**_

**_Warning: This story is listed as 'M' for Mature. This means it contains themes of an adult nature. If you are offended by sexual themes, masturbation, swearing, drinking or drug abuse then this isn't for you._**

_**This is my first fan fiction........Be gentle with me!***_

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**Whips, Chains And Pocket Protectors**

**Prologue**

I looked at him, with his face flushed and his bronze hair askew. His chest was heaving, glistening with the faint sheen of sweat in the candlelight.

I walked across the room and sat down in my high backed chair. I reclined, crossing my legs and placing my hands on the arms of the chair.

"Edward" I purred.

He looked at me, eyes wide. I beckoned slowly with my finger, he got up and he came to stand before me.

"Kneel" I whispered.

He obediently got down on his knees at my feet. I slowly uncrossed my legs and placed the heel of my boot against the slick skin of his bare shoulder.

"Lick my boots"

He looked up at me through the hair that was hanging over his face, his eyes uncertain. Confusion, embarrassment, anxiety and determination flashed across his face…….. Then he inclined his head to my boot.

"Yes Mistress" he said, as his tongue flicked out to touch the patent leather covering my toes.

_Oh this was going to be fun_........

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_**A/N: Please review!**_


	2. Coffee To Go

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_**A/N: **_

_**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.... I just like to play in her toy box when she's out.**_

**_Warning: This story is listed as 'M' for Mature. This means it contains themes of an adult nature. If you are offended by sexual themes, masturbation, swearing, drinking or drug abuse then this isn't for you._**

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**Chapter One – Coffee To Go**

"Rosalie Louise Hale!!" I exclaimed. "I don't know which to do first- Wash my brain out with bleach or your mouth out with soap?!"

"What?" She smirked. "Don't tell me I'm making you – of all people – uncomfortable?!"

"It's not that. It's just Eric?! I really don't want to know that much about him! Distinct amounts of too much information!" I moaned. "I mean seriously – what were you thinking??"

I don't know. _**José **_was doing most of the thinking for me…. With a little input from Captain Morgan. He was funny at the time and he was trying so hard. I guess I just felt sorry for him or something." She grinned at me.

"Wonderful. I feel sorry for you now but that doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you! Honestly Rose, if you keep on I'm going to register you as a charity! Then at least the Jos_**é**_ might be tax deductible!" I exclaimed.

That was the third time this year Rose had taken it upon herself to feel sorry for someone. Surprising really. She appeared such a badass most of the time but get her drinking and give her a lost cause and she seemed to take pity. It was some weird Twilight Zone kind of shit. Three for three she had struck out with bad lays and three for three I had to listen to all the awful details the next morning.

Rose barked out a laugh, followed by a groan. "Ow. Damn it Bella! Play fair – you know I have a delicate head. Don't make me laugh."

"Well gee Rose, karma's a bitch. You just made me listen to all the gory details of your latest sexcapade. I mean, what the fuck Rose? I've not even had my coffee yet! I'm sure I've got grounds for a tribunal under emotional trauma. If I have to listen to much more I'm going to bill you for the therapy."

"Bells, you know I love you but you are one crabby bitch pre-caffeine." She griped.

"Ya think?!" I snapped.

"Ok, ok! You go get your coffee IV and I'll finish opening up." She said, handing me some money.

"Uh, excuse me" I said looking at the money in my hand. "That's not gonna cut it missy. I'm traumatised, I need pastry."

"Fine." She sighed, giving me more cash. "But I better get a blueberry muffin out of the equation."

"I don't know Rose." I mused, looking at the ceiling, holding my chin in my hand and tapping my finger absently against my cheek. "I'm not sure you deserve it."

"You're a cruel woman Swan. Be gone!" She growled.

With a giggle and a smile I stepped out the shop door into the sunshine. I looked over my shoulder at the store front and smiled with pride. I'd been working at _Thorns _for 5 years now and have loved pretty much every moment of it. It was our project that had paid off and we were ecstatic. Rose tattooed and I did the piercing, business had been going that well we had even had to take on a second tattoo artist 6 months ago.

We pretty much lucked out when Jasper turned up on our doorstep. He was soft spoken, with a beautiful southern accent and a wicked sense of humor. His art was just that – art; he used skin like canvas. The three of us were the proverbial 'house on fire' from day one. Doing what I loved was a joy anyway, without the added bonus of amazing workmates who make the time fly by.

I put my earphones in and let _3 Doors Down_ take me to the coffee shop, Java Bug, whilst they sang about taking a walk around the world to ease a troubled mind. The Java Bug was pretty cool, I was a definite repeat offender – if they did frequent flyer miles with coffee I'd have enough miles to go to Taiwan and back again once a month.

They were open late, like us, and had open mic acoustic nights and poetry evenings. A little cliché but we enjoyed it; it was a good wind down.

Angela looked up from behind the counter and smiled at me as I walked in. I had met Angela a few years ago when she took over and she had happily been supplying my caffeine habit ever since.

"Hey Bella. Good to see you! How are you?" She asked as she moved to get my 'usual'.

"Yeah, good Ang. How about you? How's things with Ben?" I asked. Looking as innocent as possible.

"Bella! Shh! Don't talk about that!" She hissed.

Ben was guy who volunteered to do the sound tech when they had open mic nights. Angela had had a crush on him for just about forever but was perpetually frightened of actually _speaking_ to him. Spot the problem….

"So" She said, clearly changing the subject, "Anything else or just your usual poison?"

"Better get a green tea for Rose, she's feeling delicate" Angela snorted at that. "A cinnamon danish, blueberry muffin, almond twist and an orange juice" I finished.

She bagged up everything else and handed me my coffee.

"Thanks Ang, see you soon" I said as I headed out the door, turning my iPod back on again. I headed back up the street towards the shop, enjoying the sunshine on my face, the coffee in my hand and the music blaring in my ears then-

**BAM**

_FUCK!!_

The next second my coffee was on the floor, my boobs were screaming in protest at the temperature and one earphone had fallen out.

"Oh my god!! I am so so so so so so so sorry!! Seriously, I don't know what I was thinking!"

I looked around for the source of the noise, still trying to work out what had happened to my coffee. Scrabbling up from the ground in front of me was a tiny little brunette with long hair and glasses, which were currently askew. I thought I had it bad but looking at her she caught the majority of the grande latte that was no longer in my hand.

"Shit, are you ok?" I asked helping her up.

"Yeah, fine. I'm so sorry"- I cut her off there.

"I'm fine. Stop fussing, it's only coffee" _What the hell was I saying??_

"Are you sure? Really? Oh my god, look at your shirt!! I'll pay for the dry cleaning"-

"Seriously! Seriously – I'm fine. No harm no foul." I said, trying to get her to calm down, because honestly – she was starting to gather some steam. "Look, let's start again. My name is Bella. I work 2 seconds round the corner. Why don't you come in and get cleaned up?"

"Oh I don't want to put you out! I'll be fine. I should replace your coffee. What was it? Anyway, I don't want to get you in trouble with your boss. Was it a large? Or Grande or whatever they call them? I'm Alice by the way." She finally paused to take a breath. _Wow_. I just stood there, staring for a minute, waiting for my brain to catch up with my ears. I swear she must speak in shorthand. There's no way someone could speak so quickly.

"Okaaay…." I paused. "You won't put me out. You don't have to replace my coffee and you can't get me in trouble with myself. Nice to meet you Alice. Surreal, but nice." I smiled what I hoped was my best reassuring smile.

"How could I get you in trouble with yourself?" She queried, looking distinctly puzzled.

"I'm the boss so I can't get in trouble with myself. Now come on, let's go de-coffee." I took hold of her elbow, ending the debate. We walked the minute to the shop but just as we got to the door, Alice pulled me up short.

"You work here?" She said in a whisper.

"Yes?" _Now I'm confused_.

"Wow" Alice breathed "Cool"

"I know." I replied. Five years and it was still pretty unbelievable that I got to do what I _wanted_ for a living. I hope that feeling never gets old. I pulled Alice through the door, smiling as the bell announced our arrival.

Rose came walking out of the back room with a roll of cling-film in one hand and a box of latex gloves in the other. I chanced a look at Alice to make sure she wasn't about to run screaming for the hills.

What the fuck Bell?! I said _get_ a coffee – not _bathe_ in one." Rose said, smirking.

"Fuck you very much Rose. I ran into Alice here. Literally." I gestured to Alice at this point who was doing her very best owl impression, staring wide eyed at Rose. "Alice, this is Rose. Rose, this is Alice."

"Hey" said Rose as she smiled at Alice and quirked and eyebrow at me.

"Hi……" Whispered Alice.

I fixed Rose with a stern glare.

"Right Rose" I said, slowly swinging the coffee shop bag in front of her eyes. "Repeat after me. 'I am not worthy'"

Rose, who had started swaying like a snake in time with the bag, whilst staring intently at it, stopped and glared at me. She made to snatch for the bag, but I was quicker………. And far less hung over.

"'I am not worthy'" I repeated.

"I. Am. Not. Worthy." Rose growled. She swiped at the bag again, but I took another step back. Alice was watching us with an expression crossed somewhere between fear and amusement.

"'I don't deserve you'" I said, daring her.

Rose growled low in her throat, making Alice jump. Suddenly her countenance changed entirely, Rose was the picture of sweetness and light.

"I don't deserve you" She breathed, sugar and sarcasm dripping from every syllable as she batted her eyelashes at me.

"Hmmmm…… I suppose that'll do." I smiled, pulling the blueberry muffin out of the bag and throwing it to Rose. She caught it and cuddled it close to her ample cleavage.

"My precious" she hissed.

"You know, if you'd done that last night _before_ you got Eric home you could have done me and the world a favour."

"Very funny bitch." Rose said. Well, I _think_ that's what she said – little hard to tell around the mouthful of muffin and napalm spray of crumbs. It could well have been 'I've a tummy itch' but that made less sense. Then again, this is Rose….

"Now, now" I admonished, "Show me the love" I purred as I pulled the green tea out of the bag. Alice was now trying to stifle a fit of giggles behind her hands. I handed Rose her tea, she took a sip and made a noise that made Alice blush. I put the almond twist on Jasper's desk where he would find it and put his juice in the fridge.

"This way Alice" I gestured to a door in the back corner that led to my studio. Given her timid behaviour a moment ago I felt a little guilty about the sign on my studio door.

"Enter at your own risk, huh?" Alice asked with a smile.

"Well what do you expect?" I replied. "I am the body piercer here."

Alice's eyes bugged a little at this point. "You stick needles in people for a _living_?"

"Well….. Technically yes" I replied, starting to feel a little like a serial killer with the look Alice was giving me. She regarded me for a moment in silence.

"Well," She said, breaking out into an impish grin, "That must do wonders for your stress relief!"

I couldn't help it, a giggle bubbled up and out of my mouth. "Yes it certainly does!" I answered, moving over to my storage closet. I yanked open the door and started rummaging.

"So, anyway" I started, as I emerged from the closet. "What do you do?" I asked as I dropped everything onto the bed and began sorting through it.

"What, me? I'm a writer" she replied with a small blush.

"Really? What kind of stuff do you write?" I asked. Probably something like part time freelance work for _'Knitting Monthly' _but you never know…

"Novels mostly. Once in a while a magazine wants me to do a piece… But that doesn't happen often." She trailed off.

"W-wow" I stammered. "That's pretty cool, I love writing. Anything I'd know?" I asked as I handed her a pack of wet wipes, a hand towel and some alcohol scrub; pointing to the sink in the corner.

"Nah, I doubt it" She replied as she pulled off her shirt. I turned around to provide her some privacy as I tended to my own coffee fallout.

Fortunately for me, I know my ability to end up with ink, blood or some other random substance on myself so I usually have spare clothing at work. Unfortunately for Alice, I thought my stuff would drown her.

"I grabbed this for you. I figured a small would be ok?" I handed Alice a polythene bag. "Sorry it's got that 'just printed' smell but I figured my shirts would drown you. Hope it's ok." I finished. _Lame Bella_.

Alice looked pretty puzzled as she took the bag from me and opened it, pulling out a black skinny top. She turned it around so she could see the front and squeaked. "Wow! This is really cool!" She gushed as she pulled the top on. She then skipped over to the mirror to get a better look. It was one of our shop t-shirts. It was black, with a rose vine creeping down from the neckline to the chest where the word 'Thorns' was written in slanted font with the vine trailing amongst the letters with rose buds. Up at the neckline two of the thorns looked like they were digging in and two drops of blood were dripping from them. "I love it! How much do I owe you?"

"Don't be silly! You're the one who ended up wearing my coffee. My head was off in the clouds – I should've been watching where I was going." I held my hands up, trying to block any argument.

"Ok. That is really sweet of you, please at least let me get you another coffee then we can call it even?" That seemed a pretty reasonable trade so I agreed. "Great! What was it you were drinking?" She asked.

"Probably best if you just go in and ask for Angela. Tell her it's for Bella and she will know what to do. I'm complicated in my caffeine addiction." I smirked at the end. I know I have coffee issues.

I walked Alice out to the door and turned back to Rose, who had finished setting up her station and was now sipping her tea waiting for her first appointment.

"So, Miss Swan. Setting up your own charity now?" She asked with a wry smile on her lips.

"Rose-" But that's as far as I got as I was interrupted by the bell above the door. I turned to see Jasper saunter in the door. That boy could mosey. I'd never really thought to apply the term to life before; it was something John Wayne did but that was about it I guess. If you weren't The Duke then you just looked like a Muppet, but Jasper could. There was no other word for it. The man was fluid style. He had the most amazing blue eyes, like a crystal clear lake or the summer sky. His blond hair was slightly curled and was long enough to tuck behind his ears. He wasn't overly muscular but yet defined… Lithe. I admit I had gone a little light headed when I met Jasper; between the blue eyes, sparkling smile and southern accent he made a very attractive package. However, having said that, I don't mix business and pleasure; which turned out to be a fantastic call. Jasper is an amazing tattoo artist and has rapidly become a kind of 'big brother' in a lot of ways. Plus my relationship skills are actually abysmal.

"Howdy ladies" He drawled.

"Good morning Jasper" We chorused together. We did this most mornings – it was like an ongoing joke with us and 'Mr Whitlock'. Jasper looked from Rose to myself and back again.

"Ok. What did I miss?" He asked with a smile.

"Looks like Bella's starting up a charity for waifs and strays. She brought in a coffee covered midget just now." I glared at Rose.

"I bumped into her and she came off the worse for wear with my coffee. I brought her in so she could get cleaned up. No big deal."

"Someone bumped into you, spillin' your coffee and you _didn't_ kill them? Baby doll you must be having a good day or something!" Jasper laughed softly at me.

"She seemed nice! And anyway! She's gone to get me another one so it's not all bad!" I protested. "Anyway" I said, trying to change the subject as I walked over to the fridge. "I got you breakfast" I batted my eyelashes as I handed Jasper the juice.

"Why miss Bella, you truly are far too good to me." He smirked and headed to his station. "Pastry too?! I'm guessing Rose had a graphic night then?"

"What!? How did you-?!" Rose turned to me exasperated. I shrugged.

"Bella always picks up pastry when you engage in TMI. It's like her substitute for brain bleach….. I just get to benefit from the situation too." Jasper smiled at me as he raised his juice in mock salute, then turned to set up. "Oh hell!" He exclaimed. "I've left the folder for my first appointment in the car. I'll be right back."

I turned to head back to my studio to set up when the bell rang again.

"What did you do Jaz? Forget your keys?" I laughed as I turned back to the door. Looks like Jasper didn't forget his keys. Unless Jaz shrank about two feet and grew boobs. Instead there was a confused looking Alice. "Sorry Alice, I thought you were Jasper. He just popped out."

"Ah… That makes more sense? Who's Jasper? So here you go. One 'death by caffeine' for you" She smiled. "Anyway, I need to get on. Thank you so much for all your help Bella."

"No worries Alice. Jasper is the other tattoo artist here. Feel free to pop in whenever you're passing by, it was great to meet you." I smiled. I was telling the truth. When she wasn't apologizing at 100mph she seemed pretty cool.

"I will. Thanks Bella. Bye guys" Alice waved as she headed to the door.

"Hey, Alice? We were going to go out Friday night if you wanted to tag? We usually start out at the coffee shop for open mic night and then head into town. Jasper sometimes sings you see. Do you fancy it? I asked feeling a little forward. In all fairness this woman didn't know us from 'Adam's house cat' as my mom used to say.

"Um…. Well yeah actually. That sounds like fun. Where shall I meet you?" She asked with another small blush as she fidgeted with her toe on the floor.

"Well, we don't usually lock up until about 10pm so why don't you come here and we'll go on from there?" Rose was nodding along at this point which, if I'm honest surprised me a little. Rose does not usually play well with others….

"Ok, I'll see you then!" And with that she left. I turned, again, to go into my studio and the bell rang. Again.

"Alice what did you forget-" _Note to self_. Look before opening my mouth. No Alice in sight but one puzzled Jasper. "Sorry Jaz."

"Alice? Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?" Even Rose joined in on that one.

"Very funny guys!" I tried not to laugh but failed.

"Alice is Bella's new little pixie friend. She's 4ft fuck all and as pent up at a shaken can of Coke. She's also apparently joining us Friday night at the Java Bug."

Jasper quirked an eyebrow at me, "Really? Sounds interesting."

"Yeah, yeah guys. I really need to go get set up….. Rose why don't you tell Jasper all about Eric." I ran for it to my studio before Rose could throw anything at me or anything else could distract me from making it to the door. Just as I was shutting the door I heard Jasper's amused voice.

"Eric?! As in Eric, Eric? Man Rose! How much did you drink?!"

"Swan you're a dead woman!"

Yep….. Just another average Tuesday morning at Thorns……..

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_***A/N: So, What did you think? Please review!***_


	3. Harry Potter Eat Your Heart Out

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_**A/N: **_

_**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.... I just like to play in her toy box when she's out.**_

**_Warning: This story is listed as 'M' for Mature. This means it contains themes of an adult nature. If you are offended by sexual themes, masturbation, swearing, drinking or drug abuse then this isn't for you._**

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**Chapter Three – Harry Potter Eat Your Heart Out**

God it had been a shit day.

It started out bad as I was late for my usual train due to my alarm clock choosing today to go on strike. I wasn't late for work, I'm never late for work; Emmett says I have no life but he just doesn't understand, that's all. I have _responsibilities_. People rely on me… Admittedly half of them can't even remember my name but that's not the point. They'd be lost without me. The trouble with being late meant that I had to get one of the rush hour commuter trains and do my impression of a sardine for half an hour.

If that was where my bad luck ended my day probably would've been salvageable; but _no_. I was in such a rush to get off the train and away from the woman next to me with the Eau De Drug Store perfume, that I tripped on someone's bag strap and went face first onto the platform. _Perfect_. I managed to cut my eyebrow open and break my glasses, so by the time 10am rolled around I had a beautiful bruise coming up on my eye and Sellotape holding my glasses together.

Therefore of _course_ today would be the day that Lauren's PC would crash badly enough for me to actually have to go and look at it, rather than hiding behind the Remote Desktop access from my office. Lauren was dressed as temptingly as ever, and me? I looked like I'd just been beaten up for my lunch money. All that was missing was the wedgie….

If I was Emmett I would have been able to laugh it off and make it seem cool. Even Mike would have managed to say _something_, but me? All I managed to do was stammer, stutter and knock her coffee cup over. _Smooth Masen….. real smooth_. The only greeting I got from her was a wrinkled nose, as though my appearance personally offended her, as she said, "Are you aware Edwin, that you have blood on your shirt?" If there was a god the ground would've opened up and swallowed me then and there….. But no, no such luck. Plus, probably not the best of ideas on the 22nd floor….

I managed to make it through the rest of the morning unscathed and lunch was safe, mostly because I opted to hide in my office rather than venture outside. I had no intention of provoking the unknown voodoo I obviously woke up under this morning any further.

I survived the afternoon with only two paper cuts and one electric shock so by the time 7pm came I was beyond desperate to get home. I left it another half hour to give the majority of the commuters time to get home – I did not want to risk a repeat performance of this morning. One face plant is enough for anyone in one day.

The train ride was uneventful, thankfully, but I got soaked in a sudden random downpour between the station and my apartment. _Figures_. Thanks to the industrial action by my alarm clock I didn't get time this morning to look at the weather channel and because it had been nice all week I didn't take a jacket.

I let myself into my apartment, stepped inside and took a deep breath. At least I made it home in one piece. Well….. _Technically_. The icing on the cake was when I turned to head into my bedroom to get changed and slipped on the puddle I'd made by dripping on the floor.

_Let's recap for a moment here. Broken glasses, cut and bruised eye, two paper cuts, one electrical shock and one bruised ass._ _Definitely should have stayed in bed today!_

All this flashed through my mind as I sat on the edge of my bed, having just got out of the shower, and watched the caller ID on my cell phone. _I really don't want to talk to him, maybe he'll give up_. Unlikely. The phone stopped ringing and I said a little prayer for it not to ring again. Problem is, I can't turn it off either. If I turned it off he would _know_ I was near my phone and it would cost me more in the long run. Just as I was starting to relax and think that maybe it wasn't that important after all, my phone chimed with a text message.

_**Stop sitting there watching your phone ring and answer it!**_

Obviously the deities were not on my side as the phone started to ring again. I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and hit the answer button.

"Ya-huh?"

"Dude! What's happening! Why didn't you pick up the phone?" _Oh joyful_. Emmett is in a good mood. Then again, when is he not? I have loved Emmett dearly ever since we met in kindergarten but 'boisterous' didn't even come _close_ to describing him...

"Sorry about that. I was... er... In the shower." I finished. _Lame_.

"Dude, don't lie. Knowing you, you were sat there praying I would hang up." Busted. "No such luck! Get dressed we'll be by to pick you up in 20 minutes. Mike's driving."

"Not tonight Em, I've had the day from hell and just want to curl up under the duvet." I whined.

"Edward Masen, stop acting like a bitch. Stick a tampon in it and let's roll!" He laughed.

I tried to argue but I was talking to a dial tone. _Great_. This leaves me two choices… Get ready in the next 20 minutes and go out with them or refuse, change into sweats and have Emmett knock down my door, drag me out by my ankle and still go out with them. Hmm… Tough one… _Thing is Masen, Emmett doesn't need to bust your door down does he?_ Damn the know-it-all voice in my head. Emmett wouldn't need to knock my door down because he has a _key_. I gave him a key the last time I went to visit my parents so he could water my plants for me. _Except he didn't do it did he?_ Nope. I came back to my very own Sahara because Emmett had met some girl and spend the week doing god knows what with her instead of dropping in to water my plants. Really should have taken that key back……

I groaned and flopped back on the bed. I _really_ don't want to go out. I _really, really_ don't want to go out. I shudder to even think what would happen to me in a public place with alcohol involved and my day of voodoo curse. _God I hope it's only a 24 hour thing…!_

Giving up, I got up and went to my dresser. I pulled out a pair of boxers, jeans and a black t-shirt. Once I was dressed I looked at myself in the mirror. _Stellar bruise Masen_. That aside my glasses were still taped because I hadn't wanted to risk a visit to the optician at lunch time. Really need to find my spare pair. My hair hung damp and limp in my face, long enough now to brush over the top of my glasses. I really ought to get it cut but nothing ever seems to work. If I cut it all off, I look like Forest Gump's younger brother so I opt to just leave it and get it trimmed once I can't see any more. My mom fusses about it too much. I know she means well but I'm not a kid anymore.

I was saved any more effort of trying to decide what to do with the mop that is my hair because my phone beeped again.

_**Hope you found the tampons. Grab your purse and let's go Daisy!**_

_Charming._With one more groan I grabbed a sweatshirt, my keys and headed out the door. _Please don't let anything else go wrong…..PLEASE!_

Downstairs Mike was idling impatiently at the curb in a Honda today. I nodded and climbed into the back seat. I didn't need to ask where we were headed, during the week we always went to the same place. _Tyler's_ was a sports bar downtown and Emmett is a total sports nut. He was on just about every team going at school and went on to a sports college. He currently teaches high school baseball and loves every minute of it. It's a perfect vocation for the school jock that never wanted to grow up. He's like Peter Pan in cleats or something…

"So Mike, what happened to the Toyota?" I asked. I'm sure it was a Toyota last time.

"Would you believe some moron actually bought that piece of shit?" He asked, suddenly serious.

"Dude, no! That thing was beyond ready for the junkyard in the sky! Not a hope in hell!" Emmett laughed at his own joke.

"Bro you're wrong! Some retard actually bought that one! Even knocked $50 off for him. He looked so smug thinking he'd got one over on me. That'll teach him." Mike smiled his famous shit eating grin.

There is a simple, but especially important rule to live by with Mike. If he wants to buy you a drink that's fine but NEVER EVER let the man sell you a car.

"Mike, you are such a sleaze." I said quietly. "You have like, zero morals."

"That's not true! I'm hurt by that Eddie. I even threw in the six month warranty for him."

"Yeah, but how long a life expectancy do you give that car?" I sighed. We'd been here before.

"Hmmmmm………………………… twelve months max." He tried to keep a straight face but failed.

"Newton strikes again! I swear bro, at this rate we're gonna see you on that uncovering cowboys show or something! You are such a con!" Emmett guffawed. At least someone seemed to find all this pretty funny.

"Look," Mike was trying to look serious again. "I'm teaching these people a valuable lesson in life in ignorance."

"Yeah, you're too ignorant to care and they're too ignorant to know you're ripping them off until it's too late." _Ok. I am obviously still in a bad mood_.

"Exactly!! You- Hey! I'm not ignorant!" Mike never was the sharpest tool in the box…. Mostly he was just a tool.

"Hahahaha! Dude! He so got you there! Now hurry up – I want a game of pool before the game starts." _Just what I need_. Getting my ass whipped at pool. With my luck today I'll probably take my own eye out with the cue.

Mike really was a complete asshole. His parents lived back in some small town selling sporting goods to hikers. This wasn't good enough for Mike so he did the classic 'head to the big city to make my fortune' bullshit. He didn't get very far in Corporate America……………. They take a hard line on stationary theft apparently…….. So now he works at a second rate car lot selling second hand cars, using the term in its loosest capacity, that no one in their right mind would buy.

We pulled up outside the bar and all climbed out., Mike went to secure us a pool table whilst I accompanied Emmett to the bar to get the drinks and cues.

_Tyler's_ was quite a big place. The bar was in the middle with a pool area stocked with six tables was off to the right and a lounge area to the left with tables and about ten flat screens showing a whole host of sports; everything from football to mud wrestling.

Tyler was behind the bar, exercising his 'friendly barkeeper' persona by leaning on the bar, polishing a glass. Tyler was all about image, the man had a dishwasher for crying out loud.

"Hey Emmett. How's things man?" Tyler's voice was deep but relaxed, 99.9% of the time he usually was…… I've seen the 0.01% before when he wasn't and Tyler could be one scary man.

"Not bad, same old same old. How about you?" asked Emmett with a smile.

"Pretty good. Em, why do you always have to bring that fucking asshat into my bar? You know the guy gives me a migraine." Tyler inclined his head towards Mike, who was currently trying to build a card house out of beer mats. I really do like Tyler. He's honest and has little time for bullshit, all good traits in a friend when you can find them.

"Dude, he offers to drive. Simple as." Emmett attempted 'sheepish' but came off as 'cheeky'. Typical Em.

"Hey Edward, how are you?" asked Tyler, shaking his head and switching his attentions to me.

"I've been better. Not having the best of days, but you know this one," I said, stepping forward and jerking my thumb in Emmett's direction, "He never takes no for an answer."

"Jesus fuck Edward! What the hell happened to you?" When I stepped forward I had stepped into the light at the bar, Tyler had obviously caught sight of my face.

"Nothing major" I said with a grimace. "I managed to kiss the sidewalk getting off the train this morning." I muttered, trying to play it down.

Emmett actually guffawed at this. "Dude! Not good! You look like Harry Potter now! Shame you couldn't get that cut to be a little bit more jagged, like lightening then you would be him!" Emmett continued to laugh. _Fuck you very much Em_, just what I need.

"Thanks Em. I'll try to remember that the next time I feel the urge to hit the sidewalk with my face." I deadpanned.

"You getting a little desperate?" I quirked an eyebrow at Emmett when he said that. I had no idea where he was going with this but from the glint in his eye it wasn't anywhere I wanted to be. "Well you know, _kissing_ the sidewalk?" More laughing.

"So Edward, what did you want to drink?" asked Tyler, trying to change the subject.

"I'll have a Miller please Ty." I replied, grateful for the change of topic.

"Make that three Ty" Emmet joined it. Turning to me he said, "Sorry dude, you know I worry about you. It's not healthy! When was the last time you actually got some?"

"Please drop it Emmett, really not in the mood for this conversation right now." I groaned_, could my day actually get any worse?_ Was it even physically possible? _Better not ask that actually….._

"Here you go guys" Tyler returned with the drinks. Pulling up his shirt sleeve he said, "Check this out Emmett."

Tyler pulled his shirt up over his bicep to show an intricate, black tribal design on his arm. It looked shiny and fresh.

"That is so cool Tyler, when did you get that done?" asked Emmett in awe.

"This morning actually. Good isn't it? I love the work they do at that place, I've been going there for year. Had most of them done there actually."

"I didn't realize you had any dude. What else you got?" Emmett was kind of bouncing on the spot right now. _Here we go…….._

Tyler then spent the next ten minutes uncovering extremities with various designs on them. I don't know a huge amount about tattoos but even I could see how well these were done, crisp lines and vibrant,even colors.

"Where do you go?" Emmett asked nonchalantly…. _Yeah right_. _Emmett is about as subtle as a flying cinderblock… _

"_Thorns_, over on Broadway; Rose is a genius" Tyler finished.

"Rose? You get your ink done by a chick?" Emmett sounded rather surprised at this point.

"Emmett", I said quietly, "Even you are not stupid enough to be surprised a woman can tattoo……… You'd have to be stupid enough to be-"

"Mike" interrupted Tyler. I smiled at him, like I said; _I like Tyler_.

"Dude you know that's not what I meant!" Protested Emmett, "Anyway, let's go and get a game in before the match starts."

I followed Emmett over to the pool table and sat down to watch as Mike began to rack up the balls. Mike made a couple of wise cracks about my face and Emmett made his Harry Potter joke again. Mike seemed to find this hysterical and kept it up for most of the game. I sat against the wall and kept a close eye on the table, with my luck today I could just see myself getting hit in the face by a trick shot….

"You know," Started Emmett, as he lined up the eight ball, "I've been thinking about getting a tattoo for ages, think I might have to head down there and check that place out."

"Emmett, since when have you been thinking of getting a tattoo?" I asked shaking my head, _Emmett and his bright ideas_.

"I have! Just because I don't discuss everything with you Daisy doesn't mean I don't think about things!" He snapped.

"Ok man, whatever. Just promise me you won't come back with a heart tattoo of 'mom' or anything like that." I know it sounded like I was joking, to anyone else I would have been…… But this _was_ Emmett…

"Edward," Emmett said, "Have some faith bro. All is good." He smiled as he sunk the eight ball. Mike groaned.

"Damn it Emmett! Give a guy a chance here!" Mike was always a sore loser. You'd think he'd be used to it now, given all the practice he's had.

"Mike, if I go easy on you, you bitch. Besides, if I go easy on you, how will you ever strive for better?" Emmett grinned at Mike.

"You are such a smug douche at times." As I said, _sore loser_.

We took the cues back to the bar and headed into the lounge area to watch the football. Mike went to the bar for another round, Emmett and I grabbed a table.

"So Eddie boy," Emmett grinned, "Seen _Lauren_ lately?" He actually waggled his eyebrows at this point. _Oh shit…_

"Yes actually Emmett, I saw her this morning." _This cannot go anywhere good…_

"Really?? Did you actually _speak_ to her?" _Shit, shit, shit._

Just to add insult to injury, Mike returned from the bar at this point. "What are you ladies talking about?" He looked from me to Emmett, expectantly.

"Eddie here says he saw Lauren today" _Emmett I think I hate you right now_.

"Really? Wow. Did you speak to her?" Mike looked at me. _What is it with these two?!_

"Yes I did. Stop making such a fuss out of it all the time – I mean, how old are you guys anyway? Twelve?" Aim for indignant, maybe they'll drop it. _Yeah right_.

"So, what did she call you today then?" Emmett had that glint in his eye again. _Uh-oh_.

"I have no idea what you're talking about Emmett. Pay attention, the game's starting." _Please, please, please_.

"No, no Daisy, you don't get out of it that easy. What did she call you?" _What did I do in a past life that was so wrong?!_

"Yeah, Edward. Did she even get it close this time?" _Screw you Mike_.

I sighed, there was obviously no getting out of this. "Edwin." I whispered, hanging my head.

The reaction was instantaneous; Mike and Emmett broke out into hysterics. Mike actually fell off of his chair, but I think he did that on purpose, _asshole_.

"Dude, this is getting extreme! How long's it been now?" _Please don't go there Emmett, please_….

"Em" I started, the warning clear in my tone.

"Hey, hey, hey!" He held his hands up, "Just concerned bro, I worry about you. What about that other girl at work? Jenny? Jamie? Julie?....." He trailed off with a look of immense concentration on his face. I just looked at him, baffled…. _Unless_-

"Please tell me you don't mean _Jessica_?!" I hope I looked as shocked as I felt at that moment.

"That's the one! Did you say that she was always talking to you?" Even Mike looked interested now. _Asshole_.

"Emmett, please, please don't go there. Seriously." _Drop it, drop it, drop it!_

"No need to get upset about it! I'm just saying, she certainly seems interested so why not spend some time with her?… you know…… She could…………. Help you out. That's all I'm saying." He trailed off and the look on his face said that he knew he was dangerously close to crossing the line right now.

"Emmett, I've known you a long, long time and I know that you don't always engage brain before mouth so I am going to forgive you, _if you drop it_. That idea is so bad I don't even know where to _begin_ to comment." I shuddered involuntarily.

Emmett smiled at me before turning to the LCD screen – "DUDE WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! LEFT LEFT!!" _Aaaannnddd…….. He's gone. God bless you football_.

The rest of the evening passed without any major incident. Mike was an annoying idiot but as that was the norm for him, I ignored him for the most part. Emmett was loud, boisterous and shouted at the LCD like the players could hear him but this was the norm for Em, so I just sat back and enjoyed the show that was Emmett.

We left when the game was over. Emmett was bouncing as his team had won, it obviously had nothing to do with the beer he consumed……. Or so he would have me believe.

I let myself into my apartment for the second time that day, I leaned against the wall and kicked my sneakers off. Being cautious, I like to try to _learn_ from my mistakes, I walked carefully into my bedroom. I pulled my sweatshirt and t-shirt off, throwing them into the laundry hamper, and sat down on the end of the bed. It really had been a shit day, but at least the evening seemed to be fairly peril-free. I probably sat there for ten minutes with my head in my hand, replaying my day in all its cringe-worthy glory behind my eyelids.

Groaning, I got to my feet again, I was not going to let this be the end of my day; if I did I would just end up dwelling on it and then it would haunt me in my dreams. I need a shower. _Good plan, shower then bed_. I unbuttoned my jeans and made to pull them down- _on second thoughts_- I sat down on the end of the bed again to step out of them – _no sense in tempting fate_. I hooked my thumbs into my boxers and pulled them down too, grabbing my socks as I went. Throwing the bundle of clothes into the laundry hamper, I padded over to the stereo in the corner.

_Hmmm…… What am I in the mood for… _I scanned the CDs, I don't know why but I always have to trail my fingers across the cases as I do it – force of habit I guess. I have to admit, music is a major weakness of mine. I have CDs in my bedroom, records in the living room and everything backed up on MP3 on my computer too. Sometimes I just feel the need to listen to something on CD or vinyl specifically, rather than the MP3. The guys don't understand, but I'm not exactly surprised. I settled on some Foo Fighters and headed for the bathroom.

'_The rain is here and you my dear are still a friend……'_

I turned the shower to 'scolding' and put my glasses by the sink. I stepped into the shower and savoured the sharp shock of the hot water pounding off of the tense muscles in my back. I groaned as I felt the knots in my back start to relax, the noise echoed from the tiles, turning the sound into something nearer a growl.

I washed my hair, even just the feeling of massaging the shampoo into my scalp was amazing_; guess I'm a lot tenser than I thought._ I rinsed my hair out and started on my body, massaging my neck and shoulders as I moved down my body. My day began to replay in my head again, I could see Lauren in her fitted white blouse, short skirt and long flowing hair. Now that the moment had passed I could think of all the things I could've, should've said….. _Fuck my life_.

I felt the tension in my body move lower and settle. I knew Emmett meant well, _in his own crazy way_, but he didn't get it. If he had had the same experiences he wouldn't be so quick to push me in the path of someone; _especially_ someone like Jessica.

I braced my arm against the tiled wall and rested my head on my forearm. I lathered the soap across my chest and continued down my stomach, I paused for a moment; taking a deep breath, I wrapped my soapy hand around my shaft. I was so tense I could feel my pulse throbbing into my fingers. My day continued to play through my head as stroked my hand up and down, it was like I was stroking the stress out of myself. I squeezed myself harder, pumped my fist faster and savoured the slick feeling the soap provided. The faster I pumped, the faster the images passed through my mind. When the pressure had built to breaking point, I gave one final, hard pump and groaned as I ejaculated into the shower.

I washed quickly and dried myself off, stumbling into my bedroom because my glasses were still steamed up from the bathroom. Once in my bedroom, I grabbed a clean pair of sweat pants from the dresser and headed over to the stereo. I took The Foo Fighters out and put some Therion in, turning the volume down low.

I climbed under the covers and settled down on my side, pausing to check the alarm clock was _definitely_ on and to set my cell phone alarm as well…. _Just in case_. I took a deep breath and relaxed back into the bed and the darkness.

_Please, whatever deity is listening out there, please let tomorrow be better than today_.

*******

_**A/N: To borrow a style from one of my favorite authors......... What did you think? Reviews are better than an Edward who needs all his boo-boos kissing better....**_


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